I struggled with when to write this blog post in the sequence of posts for starting the website. It is the ‘reality’ post that all of the other posts should be viewed through in developing your own personal D/s dynamic. At the humble prodding of Renn who thinks it should have been one of the first posts, I am writing it now before getting into posts on Rules and Rituals and on Correction, Discipline and Punishment. When dealing with these areas it is possible to quickly overburden your dynamic which just adds stress. So, Renn, here is your wish…
By now, you have read multiple times that a Dominance/submission relationship is a dynamic. By this I mean that it is an interdependent relationship between two people. You can’t have a Dominant if there isn’t a submissive and vice versa. Also, it requires one of each. You can’t have two Dominants or two submissives, it just won’t work. But in having a Dominant, you require a submissive. You can’t have one without the other. And they are dependent on each other or interdependent. They are mutually dependent. Your Dominance can’t exceed your submissives ability to submit mentally and physically. And their submission can’t exceed your ability to lead or top mentally or physically.
We refer to this dependency of one on the other and back as a dynamic since it is always changing. Sometimes your dynamic grows as one of you learns to be a better Dominant. Or the dynamic grows because the submissive accepts or lets go of a barrier to their submission. The same thing can happen in reverse, you dynamic can move backward when a Dominant is domineering and overly controlling. It can move in reverse when a submissive can’t mentally accept a direction from their Dominant. Your interpersonal D/s dynamic is always changing as your trust, communication and ability to fulfill your roles change.
In the end, from my perspective, your dynamic is really driven by its ability to be livable. If you throw a bunch of rules for your submissive into your dynamic at the start, it ultimately will result in an ebb since your submissives ability to live those rules on a day to day basis hasn’t developed fully. The same is true when the submissive dumps their care on their Dominant trying to coerce or manipulate their Dominant’s responsibility to provide and care for their submissive. Ultimately the Dominant will grow frustrated with the manipulation and an ebb will occur.
In an executive leadership mentoring session I attended, they spoke about cultural change within an organization and the philosophy that “Slow is Fast and Fast is Slow”. What they meant was that if you stress the organization by making a lot of cultural changes quickly and then pushing them into place, the organization will ultimate fail from the stress of the changes. It will be slower since you must clean up the fallout from the stress and failure before you can start back again trying to make the cultural change. In contrast, if you start with a small number of changes and allow the organization time to adjust and adapt it will be faster in making the desired cultural change. Slow is Fast.
Transitioning from a vanilla marriage or long term relationship to a D/s relationship is a cultural change. Everything you have learned in society about the roles of husbands, wives, men, women, Dominance and submission is going to be turned upside down. I personally think a lot of it is hogwash that different groups have pushed in society over the years, but that is another post and rant. However, the two of you are going to have to deal with your own internal perspectives on these issues. It is a cultural change internally that has to occur logically and emotionally for you to be committed to your Ds relationship.
There is a difference between a submissive saying they will submit and truly emotionally and mentally accepting their submission and giving themselves over to their Dominant. There is that little voice inside them saying they can take care of themselves and that they should be able to make decisions for themselves. Logically, they will say that they want to submit, but mentally there is that little voice that takes time to give in and trust that their submission will not abused or misused.
It also takes time for a Dominant to truly understand and develop their role as a Dominant who is responsible to provide and care for their submissive. It is easy for a Dominant to be domineering and demand things from their submissive. It is easy to dole out punishments when you are angry. But is that truly being the nurturing caring Dominant that someone would choose to submit to and hand over control? When I started questioning my level of life insurance such that I could care for Renn even after my death due to my level of commitment to be her Dominant I knew my Dominant capacity had changed.
Your levels of Dominance and submission continue to evolve and deepen in your relationship as your personal acceptance of the culture of your relationship evolves. As you accept your role and all of the interdependent aspects that go along with it you will see your understanding of both yourself and the other to evolve along with it. This is what you are truly focused on developing in a Livable 24-7 Ds Dynamic.
Focus on making small changes that your dynamic can handle and allow it the time to adapt to that change. When you find that things are flowing well and the dynamic has grown, add some more elements to that you both feel will keep things in balance and allow your dynamic to flourish. Remember, Slow is Fast so you are going to make lots of small changes instead of large changes that stress the relationship. Focus on the ability to LIVE your dynamic as a lifestyle 24/7 and stay committed to working on it for the long-term.
Hunter
Submissive Perspective:
This element of “livability” will spill over into many of the topics we share. Therefore, I felt it was very important that we share it now, before we get into other aspects of Ds. We live in a vanilla world. Every day we encounter a world outside of the values and lifestyle we are trying to live and make our own. This adds to the ‘stress of change’ my Sir spoke of in his blog.
How do you make Ds livable? The issue we ran into was the abundance of information from sources on Ds and BDSM that talk about taking control for the dominant and making rules, having expectations and pushing your submissive, even “breaking” your submissive. From the submissive side, I was told to train my Dominant, or to “just submit” by outsiders and my Sir. These elements created turmoil and a very difficult environment for a new Ds to flourish. These things caused me to push back and reconsider my submission. I had less trust in my Sir when I felt he was not working for us, only for himself and his agenda. We have chosen an alternative path. We communicate better and we choose to make this ‘thing we do’, our Ds, a livable and loving dynamic.
As my Sir says, it is a dynamic; flowing, changing and growing. As we cover other subjects, we want to present an authentic and real life perspective to Ds. I love the analogy my Sir uses about ‘Fast is Slow’. It has been so true. When we look back over our personal journey, the times we have tried to rush one another or push for something selfish, it always ends in ebb, not growth, in our Ds dynamic. It is about giving, it is about serving and being mindful of how you approach and interact with the other person. If you want a lifetime with this person, it is best to show respect for the other person. I have developed in the area of listening and considering what my Sir needs and why, and I believe he has become much more understanding of me and my needs as well.
Growth in all areas, physically, sexually, emotionally, and mentally is important and is the goal of the Ds dynamic. We have tried many new things since beginning our journey in the Ds dynamic. Some have worked, others have not. We have learned to ‘never say never’. What you think you may not want or like now, you may want to try in the future. Communication and flexibility are the keys to making this dynamic livable. Make it yours and evolve in your roles together.
